Last night, as I laid down on the sofa to get some sleep, I was hit by the thought of just how difficult it is going to be to try and save you and dad’s home.  All the times you and I had discussed me getting the house as a way of you and dad paying me for all of the years I had set my life aside… I could not see any way I could possibly save the house and even now, as I write this, I keep stopping because I start to cry.  I don’t want to loose your house.

I can’t see any way I can keep it though.  I have no work history, no credit history, nothing that would cause any bank or other lender to trust me on a mortgage refinance on the house.  I’m going to lose it and all I can do is sit here looking around thinking about what the future holds for me.  I look at the things you loved so much, at the things you and dad collected over the years and all I can see are the things I will be able to take with me and the things I have to part with.  I lay here with the heater on the artificial fireplace I bought for dad running and think about how I will have to one day leave that behind as I take what I am able to and find somewhere else I can live… somewhere outside of Alaska.  I think I’ll probably head for Quartsite, AZ, camp out on BLM lands in the trailer with the dogs.  If I can get my computer online there I will still be able to earn enough money for gas and food each month, so I think that would be my best option.

Yes, I can see you cringing.  Don’t worrry, I would not camp out by the bridge where my uncle had been.  I still recall the horror stories you and dad had about that.

Right now all I can do is hang on and take care of dad.  I’ll worry about all of the other stuff when the time comes – or when I try to go to sleep tonight.