I finally got my desktop computer back, it seems to be working good so far, had a glitch when I first got it where the technical dudes at HP did not finish setting it up before they sent it back, so I had to call HP and spend nearly an hour on the phone sorting that all out and getting it finished. Now I have been reinstalling programs onto the computer so I can get back to work.
Dad has a blood test tomorrow, check his coumadin levels, but I am uncertain if we’ll make it. My cell phone’s battery was not charged, and that is the only place I have phone numbers stored, so I was unable to alert the person giving us a ride to it. ::wince:: Phone is charging and I am calling her as soon as it has enough of a charge on it.
Otherwise, I’m just stressing out. Trying to keep stuff together and pretty much getting by day to day by telling myself you’re asleep in your bedroom or down in the lower 48 every time I start to loose it. Bad way to get through the days, but a neccessary evil. I’ve been watching Prison Break – a TV show – on DVD, sort of a addictive watching of the show. I’m watching 3 or 4 DVDs, each with 4 eppisodes on it, every night, then rewatching them if I can’t get the next set of DVDs from the rental store. I need to just go buy the series, maybe for Christmas. It is a sanity saver for me, the plot being intricate and complex and the characters ones I really really like, so when I can’t sleep at night because trying to leads toward breaking, I sit up and watch Prison Break or something like that on TV until I am too tired to be able to stay awake any longer. That way I can sleep without having to think before I fall asleep.
I’m in a growly mood at the moment, so I figure it would be a good idea to vent things here rather than keep growling at the dogs. Just snarled really bad at poor Cheyenne, confused her since I never growl at her. Poor girl.
What’s got me in a pissy mood is that I asked to get your counter top grill back from the folks you loaned it to and got some story about “nope, don’t have it. Got one, but it’s been ours for years.” That’s a load of crap and you and I both know it, but without you here I know that they are going to stick to that story about it not being your grill and keep it. Pisses me off, to know it belongs to you and be unable to get it back from them. They said they will look around and see if there is one there, but I know that they’re going to claim not to find yours and keep yours as being theirs.
Hell, even if I do get it back I know that it will probably be destroyed from using metal utensils on the non-stick surface of it. So… yeah, I’m just in an all around bad mood at the moment and feeling helpless and wishing like hell you could tell them to give you damn grill back.
It has been some time since I have written anything here, but I have been busy. I sent my computer off to HP to get it fixed, which seems to be taking forever to get done but I know that it is right on schedule. Or at least I hope it is.
I have been trying very hard to come up with the money that I need to get the heater fixed, I gave up on fixing the car’s brakes until next spring, I’m not going to worry about it since the heater is the more important thing right now. Without it working there’s no hot water. Heat and hot water are a bit more important at the moment to me and dad than being able to drive the car.
Every effort I have made so far has resulted in a dead end, so I am going to try one last option. Remember those guys I had told you about a while back that I was going to see if they could help me get the bill for having my tooth infections taken care of paid? I’m going to contact them, see if maybe there is any chance they can help me with getting the heater repaired and some fuel in the tank before it gets too cold to keep the house warm with the little electric heater I have been running. Ideally I want to get the heater repaired and be able to buy the stove pipe and fire bricks and stuff I need to get the wood stove working again. I’m most uneasy about the thought of having the electricity go out for several days. Me and dad could head for a hotel or something, but the dogs and house plants and water pipes would all freeze.
So, now that I have exhausted all the other options I have been working on, and made every effort possible to call in on any money or favors that anyone might have owed you, I am taking one last ditch effort at getting the heater fixed – if this don’t work I don’t know what in the heck I am going to do.
I can feel it. Etching away at my emotional shields, chipping at the edges and threatening to break loose. I’ve had to stop several times today and just lean against the counter or wall, forcing everything to even out and willing myself to not loose control.
Someone in my writing class had warned me that they had been in the role of the strong one, that they had tried to hold fast against the storm and ended up crying uncontrollably in the corner of their office seven months later — I’m starting to see this as a good possibility for what is going to happen to me. I’m determined to hold fast, though, to not break against the ragged edges I can see. As long as I need to be able to respond to any call from dad within a moment’s notice, I can’t let things break. The more I think about tomorrow and the next day and next week… the harder it gets. The more I see things that make me think about you, things you would love to see – like my little miniature rose bush
leafing out once again, or the small figurine I am currently working on – the harder it is for me to hold things together.
I had a chance to go pick cranberries earlier this evening, but decided not to. I wanted to, I really did, but I was uneasy about getting out alone in the woods out behind the house and loosing control of the tight hold I have on my emotions.
Last night, as I laid down on the sofa to get some sleep, I was hit by the thought of just how difficult it is going to be to try and save you and dad’s home. All the times you and I had discussed me getting the house as a way of you and dad paying me for all of the years I had set my life aside… I could not see any way I could possibly save the house and even now, as I write this, I keep stopping because I start to cry. I don’t want to loose your house.
I can’t see any way I can keep it though. I have no work history, no credit history, nothing that would cause any bank or other lender to trust me on a mortgage refinance on the house. I’m going to lose it and all I can do is sit here looking around thinking about what the future holds for me. I look at the things you loved so much, at the things you and dad collected over the years and all I can see are the things I will be able to take with me and the things I have to part with. I lay here with the heater on the artificial fireplace I bought for dad running and think about how I will have to one day leave that behind as I take what I am able to and find somewhere else I can live… somewhere outside of Alaska. I think I’ll probably head for Quartsite, AZ, camp out on BLM lands in the trailer with the dogs. If I can get my computer online there I will still be able to earn enough money for gas and food each month, so I think that would be my best option.
Yes, I can see you cringing. Don’t worrry, I would not camp out by the bridge where my uncle had been. I still recall the horror stories you and dad had about that.
Right now all I can do is hang on and take care of dad. I’ll worry about all of the other stuff when the time comes – or when I try to go to sleep tonight.
